Jeri is in the midst of divorce/separation. She’s pretty much a single mother right now. It breaks my heart. Yesterday I went over to her house and mowed the yard, washed dishes, and did some cleaning. (I’ll be such a good wife someday.) I also watched Noah. He and I are inseparable. He’s very attached to me. Every time I show up he immediately smiles and walks up with his arms out. I’m in total love with that boy. A few months ago, during a little party at a friend’s house, I overheard one of Jeri’s girl friends tell Jeri and another girl, “I bet Justin is the most adorable uncle. He’s a big kid himself.” And the other girl said, “He’s probably going to be a dad to Noah.” I smiled, then got sad.
Lately, many people have been posting a great deal about abortion. When I am around Noah I just can’t imagine that a person could have prevented his life, his joy, his smile, his love, with a simple action. Years ago, my cousin Erika was pregnant with Evelyn. The doctors told her that her child has Down Syndrome. They told her they’d terminate the pregnancy if she wanted to. Erika still tears up sometimes thinking about it and the anger she felt that a doctor casually mentioned that she could just end Evelyn with the hopes of having a ‘normal’ child later. She and her husband felt Evelyn was a blessing. Anyone can tell you that Evelyn is a walking angel. She’s the personification of beauty.
Abortion is a difficult topic for me. In 2008, I was off and on friends and sort of dating a woman (we’ll call her M) for a good, long while. M was a pinup and goth model. She’s currently a very popular hair stylist and make-up artist. She was about to go to Louisiana for a month so she asked me to come over one night before she left. We watched two movies. When I was about to leave, she cornered me and told me some of her feelings about me. I ended up staying and we ended up sleeping together for the first time.
Well, time passes. She comes back to town. She asks to hang out. When we see another, she tells me she’s pregnant. It was heavy. I did not know how to handle it. My whole life my dream, my fantasy was to be a father. My lifelong mission was to be the best father ever. I have had a fantasy of coming home from work, fixing dinner for my wife and kids, then playing with the kids all night until bedtime and reading to them before saying goodnight. I’ve always wanted to change diapers of my own child. I’ve wanted to take my pregnant wife on dates. I’ve wanted so many things. So, the shock subsided. I thought, “well M is fun. We get along good. I don’t see her as wife material, but we can make this work. We can raise a child together or separate. I’m going to be father.” I started getting excited. We talked a lot about it. She only told her brother. We were planning on how to ‘tell everyone’. It was nerve-wracking. But man, I was on the moon. I knew I was going to be a dad. It wasn’t my ideal situation, but I was going to be a father. Time passed, we kept it on the DL for a while.
I was the receiving manager at Office Depot at the time. M had not answered my texts or calls in the past few days. (Don’t you love people who do that?) She called me at work on a Friday. I remember like it was yesterday. I took the call at the front of the store. I was in front of the customer service desk. M proceeds to tell me that she was on the home from Knoxville. She had got an abortion. She said her and her brother had decided a few days ago that she wanted to wait until she was 30 to have a child. That she was excited at her first but didn’t want to ruin her body, that she knew if she had a child now that her freedom would evaporate. She said, “It’s not a full baby yet. Right now, it’s just a parasite. I was excited at first, but now I just don’t want this. I am going to wait before I become a mom. I’m sorry. It’s my body. It’s my decision. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t do it.” Then she hung up. I dropped my phone. I slid down to the floor. I just sat there. My friend and coworker John walked up. I just was in shock. I told him what happened. He sat down next to me for a few minutes, then he went and got my manager. He told me to go home. I was shaking. I was trying to fight my tears off. I went to the Pioneer Frontier and just cried. I called my best friend Sarah and told her what happened. I told a few other friends. I was an emotional wreck. All I could think was that a night of ‘fun’ turned into the death of a baby, a baby God had used M and I as the vessel for. I was so hurt that I couldn’t be mad. I was too sad. M didn’t communicate with me for over two weeks. I didn’t try to reach out to her. I couldn’t. I could barely function. I felt that God gave me the opportunity to be a father and now it’s gone. I would never get the chance again. My sadness turned into bitter hate for M. I deleted her from my phone. I deleted her from Facebook.
I was in a poetry workshop at the time. I wrote a long poem called ‘Parasite’. It was about M, the abortion, and my feelings. I read it to everyone during a poetry-slam session. Two of the women started crying as I read it. One of the guys asked me if I was okay after I was done reading it. The oldest woman in the workshop came up to me crying, which made me tear up. She said, “Sometimes, women forget the effect an abortion can have on the man. Two people make a baby. I’m sorry she did what she did to you.”
I didn’t talk about the abortion for years. Only Sarah and three other friends knew of it. I got into a serious relationship and I told her of my pain. I didn’t tell Jeri, my mom, and many people until 2015.
M’s disrespectful, selfish, and just mean actions, and some of the actions that happened in my previous relationships, are some of the reasons why it’s hard for me to trust women. Women really have hurt me. But I forgave M. Deep down I believed she knew she made a mistake. She knew she did wrong. I imagined she regretted it and the guilt ate at her. But I didn’t want to really see or talk to her to find out.
M met a man. She got married. She got pregnant. She now has a little girl. She sent me a friend request on facebook. She started following me on Instagram. A little over a year ago she sent me a long message. It was an apology. It took me a while to really grasp it and respond. I was right. She said she had worked out the time the baby would have been born, and she got sad around that time. Her sister got pregnant around the time she did so ‘our child’ would have been the same age. She said the guilt has bothered her for years. And she thought about me a lot. Now, being a mother was the greatest thing she’s ever experienced. She apologized. She said she knew that I would have been the best father and she was so sorry she took that from me. She said she was sorry for ruining my life and she was wrong to just hurt me and then just leave my life without reason and answers. I accepted her apology. Occasionally I see her post pictures with her family. Some days I smile and am glad she’s happy and she’s a mother, other days I’m just sad that I’ve gone through a history of women who hurt me or use me and I’m still childless and my only chance is now gone. But sometimes I’m really am genuinely happy for her.
Since M, I’ve been very cautious with women. I try not to let women get close to me. And occasionally I will let a woman close to me, but of course, that’s really failed recently. Now I only take women out that I know wants children, would be good mothers, or I feel would bring that joy in trust back to me. But, right now… Yeah.
Abortion… yeah.
Abortion is a difficult topic for me. In 2008, I was off and on friends and sort of dating a woman (we’ll call her M) for a good, long while. M was a pinup and goth model. She’s currently a very popular hair stylist and make-up artist. She was about to go to Louisiana for a month so she asked me to come over one night before she left. We watched two movies. When I was about to leave, she cornered me and told me some of her feelings about me. I ended up staying and we ended up sleeping together for the first time.
Well, time passes. She comes back to town. She asks to hang out. When we see another, she tells me she’s pregnant. It was heavy. I did not know how to handle it. My whole life my dream, my fantasy was to be a father. My lifelong mission was to be the best father ever. I have had a fantasy of coming home from work, fixing dinner for my wife and kids, then playing with the kids all night until bedtime and reading to them before saying goodnight. I’ve always wanted to change diapers of my own child. I’ve wanted to take my pregnant wife on dates. I’ve wanted so many things. So, the shock subsided. I thought, “well M is fun. We get along good. I don’t see her as wife material, but we can make this work. We can raise a child together or separate. I’m going to be father.” I started getting excited. We talked a lot about it. She only told her brother. We were planning on how to ‘tell everyone’. It was nerve-wracking. But man, I was on the moon. I knew I was going to be a dad. It wasn’t my ideal situation, but I was going to be a father. Time passed, we kept it on the DL for a while.
I was the receiving manager at Office Depot at the time. M had not answered my texts or calls in the past few days. (Don’t you love people who do that?) She called me at work on a Friday. I remember like it was yesterday. I took the call at the front of the store. I was in front of the customer service desk. M proceeds to tell me that she was on the home from Knoxville. She had got an abortion. She said her and her brother had decided a few days ago that she wanted to wait until she was 30 to have a child. That she was excited at her first but didn’t want to ruin her body, that she knew if she had a child now that her freedom would evaporate. She said, “It’s not a full baby yet. Right now, it’s just a parasite. I was excited at first, but now I just don’t want this. I am going to wait before I become a mom. I’m sorry. It’s my body. It’s my decision. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t do it.” Then she hung up. I dropped my phone. I slid down to the floor. I just sat there. My friend and coworker John walked up. I just was in shock. I told him what happened. He sat down next to me for a few minutes, then he went and got my manager. He told me to go home. I was shaking. I was trying to fight my tears off. I went to the Pioneer Frontier and just cried. I called my best friend Sarah and told her what happened. I told a few other friends. I was an emotional wreck. All I could think was that a night of ‘fun’ turned into the death of a baby, a baby God had used M and I as the vessel for. I was so hurt that I couldn’t be mad. I was too sad. M didn’t communicate with me for over two weeks. I didn’t try to reach out to her. I couldn’t. I could barely function. I felt that God gave me the opportunity to be a father and now it’s gone. I would never get the chance again. My sadness turned into bitter hate for M. I deleted her from my phone. I deleted her from Facebook.
I was in a poetry workshop at the time. I wrote a long poem called ‘Parasite’. It was about M, the abortion, and my feelings. I read it to everyone during a poetry-slam session. Two of the women started crying as I read it. One of the guys asked me if I was okay after I was done reading it. The oldest woman in the workshop came up to me crying, which made me tear up. She said, “Sometimes, women forget the effect an abortion can have on the man. Two people make a baby. I’m sorry she did what she did to you.”
I didn’t talk about the abortion for years. Only Sarah and three other friends knew of it. I got into a serious relationship and I told her of my pain. I didn’t tell Jeri, my mom, and many people until 2015.
M’s disrespectful, selfish, and just mean actions, and some of the actions that happened in my previous relationships, are some of the reasons why it’s hard for me to trust women. Women really have hurt me. But I forgave M. Deep down I believed she knew she made a mistake. She knew she did wrong. I imagined she regretted it and the guilt ate at her. But I didn’t want to really see or talk to her to find out.
M met a man. She got married. She got pregnant. She now has a little girl. She sent me a friend request on facebook. She started following me on Instagram. A little over a year ago she sent me a long message. It was an apology. It took me a while to really grasp it and respond. I was right. She said she had worked out the time the baby would have been born, and she got sad around that time. Her sister got pregnant around the time she did so ‘our child’ would have been the same age. She said the guilt has bothered her for years. And she thought about me a lot. Now, being a mother was the greatest thing she’s ever experienced. She apologized. She said she knew that I would have been the best father and she was so sorry she took that from me. She said she was sorry for ruining my life and she was wrong to just hurt me and then just leave my life without reason and answers. I accepted her apology. Occasionally I see her post pictures with her family. Some days I smile and am glad she’s happy and she’s a mother, other days I’m just sad that I’ve gone through a history of women who hurt me or use me and I’m still childless and my only chance is now gone. But sometimes I’m really am genuinely happy for her.
Since M, I’ve been very cautious with women. I try not to let women get close to me. And occasionally I will let a woman close to me, but of course, that’s really failed recently. Now I only take women out that I know wants children, would be good mothers, or I feel would bring that joy in trust back to me. But, right now… Yeah.
Abortion… yeah.
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