I'm tired. I just quit.
Jessica,
I’ve
apologized many times before. I don’t think you truly knew how real those
apologies were or were ever truly aware of the very real pain, remorse, and
real despondent feelings that were behind them. I wish I could apologize to you
in person. I wish I could get all of your family (every person, grandparents,
siblings, whoever, etc.;) together and sincerely apologize to all of them in person.
I’d want all of them to express their anger, pain, and general anxiety that
have towards me. I’d want all of them to share how I made them feel so I could
apologize to each person eye-to-eye and they know by my actions, words, and
humble fear of my being in person that I meant every word, that I always did.
I’d want them to know I truly regret my actions and the person they know me as
being through my actions is not the real Justin. I’d want them to know I’d move
mountains to right my wrongs and earn their forgiveness, trust, and respect and
I truly cared and valued their daughter, sister, granddaughter, sister-in-law,
and loved one and despite the physical and outside circumstances that caused
most of my behavior, I still had no right to make you ever feel anything but
wonderful, special, and a woman and person who deserved my respect.
I have
wanted to know you for years. We did meet years ago, in the yard/driveway of
your parents’ house. I never got your name. I was too nervous to ask you at the
time. We were much, much younger. I know you don’t remember, but I do, because
I became quite fond of you. I used to take long walks with my dogs through the
roads of Belvoir. After meeting you, I walked around your neighborhood a few
times. My goal was to see you again. My friends, Justin and Jason Perry, lived
at the corner house at Belvoir/Fountain. I asked Justin if he knew you, but he
did not.
Years
later, in the search for my uncle Jess Lewis and unknown, estranged members of
my father’s side of the family, I found you on Facebook. That’s when I
discovered your name. We talked in passing a few times. Over the years I would
periodically go your page to see how life was with you and if you were doing
well. When Patrick told me that you were his sister-in-law and told me that we
were a lot alike and he felt we would hit it off, I got excited. He did not
know that I had always wanted to know you.
It was
amazing spend time with you. It really was. I loved the fact we could talk for
hours. I loved that you actually thought I was funny. I loved that you were
funny. I loved walking with you. I loved talking to you. I liked just sitting
with you. I loved lying down with you. I loved laughing with you. I would get
so excited to hear from you or seeing you. I freaking adored your smile. I was
always nervous. I hid it well. We kissed a total of nine times. Yes, I counted.
Each one was incredible. Because I was kissing you. I was ecstatic that we held
hands too. I usually don’t like doing that, but you made me comfortable. I
liked the two mornings you got out of bed to use the restroom and, when you
jumped back in bed, you immediately snuggled up next to me and put your arms
around me. You may not remember that, but I do. Everything about you was great.
Your ability to make me feel comfortable and vulnerable was the best and most
awesome. To me, it made you one in a million.
I was on
the moon when you said you’d go on a date with me. You mentioned that you had
not gone on a real date in a long time. ‘I can’t even remember”, were your
actual words, which upset because I thought what guy wouldn’t want to be around
you all the time and just do sweet things for you? I was nervous the entire day
and week. I didn’t sleep the night before. In the past, I was never that way
with women. I was insanely confident. But, due to recent, horrible events (at
that time) in which my previously-locked away childhood memories and nightmares
came back to me, I had shut down from women. I lost that confidence. I lost my
trust in women. I lost everything. I ‘let you in’ because, at the time, well, I
wanted to. I wanted you in my life. I was shaking when I came inside your
apartment. You did not notice. I was shaking the entire time. Before that
night, I was totally okay with us being just friends or a little more, or
whatever. When you answered your door when I came to pick you up, I just, I was
blown away by how beautiful you looked, and your smile was awesome. That night,
you were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. You were a queen.
I was not
looking for a girlfriend or to date you. I was just excited to be in your life.
I just loved being around you. I thought I had found someone who would go on
fun adventures with me. I thought I actually found someone that made me feel
vulnerable and comfortable enough to want to learn new things.
We both
know the everything that happened around the time when I had planned a second
date. We both know the hurt that happened. But I’m here to apologize for my
actions.
You have
no idea how deeply sorry I am for my actions. Around the time I had planned our
date very scary things happened to me. You only know a little of it. As a
result, my emotional, logical, and mental capacity evaporated. You were one of
the many people that were affected. I tried to keep it a secret from most everyone
in my life, because it was embarrassing, and my mind was breaking.
One thing
I did not want was to push you away or you leave my life. No matter the hurt
that happened between us, I knew I wanted you in my life. I knew you were
special, even if you didn’t know it, or your family didn’t know it, or anyone
ever treated you that way before.
I will
not use the fact I am not good at social cues or norms as an excuse. Even
though I had the most noble and sweet intentions, I still am so very sorry for
coming to your place uninvited. I wish I had not. I wish I had listened to
logic rather than the voices of others. I was thinking purely from my heart. I
am so sorry. I really am. Like I said before, I was genuinely trying to be a
good man. I was still very hurt by how you had treated, spoke and acted with
me, but making sure you knew that you were not alone in your stress and
depression was my priority and I was going to be there for you like I said I
wanted to be in the first place. I was trying to be a sweet guy that you knew
was trying to care and check on you, the same man that respected you and loved
making you laugh and smile. I was under the impression you were suffering from
anxiety, depression, and going through the same crippling psychological and
physical manifestations of anxiety and depression as I was. I wanted to show
care and support you.
I am very
sorry for many things. I am sorry for my mood swings. I am sorry for my
emotional outbursts. I am sorry for my occasional breakdowns. None of them were
intentional and I did not realize what was happening to my mind until it was
too late and some damage had been done.
I am
sorry for everything.
I wish I
had been 100% mentally and physically healthy because none of this, none of the
entire year or so would have happened. None of it. I still lose sleep over all
of it. I still weep over all of it. I still bathe in my own guilt and remorse.
My life is a never-ending nightmare, and I know it’s all my fault because I was
not made aware my mind was different than other people’s and I didn’t seek help
when my world started to crash down around me, knowing my brain was hurt from a
head injury and I wouldn’t be myself. I was stupid.
I am
sorry for the email. I really am. It was not an attack on you and your life. It
was an attack on myself. It was my obsession of feeling I failed you, myself,
and others, and the desire to make you and others feel worse about me. I find
it disgusting that even happened. I will always be ashamed. It’s a stain on my
soul.
I am
sorry for everything. I hope your parents and your work accepted my apology. I
meant every word. I was truly sincere and meant it from the heart.
I truly,
truly, truly was intentional with you. I wanted to know your life. I wanted to
know your family. I wanted to meet them all. It’s always why I’m hurt. I hurt
them. Doctors told me none the things that I did and said were truly my fault.
That I was having very serious, very scary side effects from brain issues. But
I still failed. Tell your mother I am sorry. Tell your father I’m sorry. Tell
your sister I’m sorry. Tell your brothers. Tell me your boss I am very sorry
for the emotional reaction I must have caused. I’m sorry. I really am.
I hope
you forgive me. I do. Like I’ve told you before, I really am a good man. I
would do anything to correct things with you and your family.
I want
you to know that you are a truly stunning person. You’re strong, much stronger
than you think. You’re funny. You’re smart. You’re caring. You light up a room,
at least you lit up a room to me. You’re beautiful. You have the best touch.
You have the best smile. You really made me feel alive. I don’t want you to
ever doubt yourself. I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re less than anyone
else. I don’t want you to ever feel like you’re not good enough. You are much
more than all that. I see it. Do you remember how I looked at you? Did you
notice? Everything I’ve said was always sincere and heartfelt. I truly believe
all those things, that’s why I was so hurt when you told me twice what I
thought didn’t matter to you, because you mattered to me.
I know
kissing me meant nothing to you. I know that. But they meant a lot to me. I
know falling asleep together while talking meant nothing to you, but I enjoyed
every moment. I know holding hands with you and going on a date did not mean
much to you, but you were the first woman who I had gone on a real date with
and years, so it meant a lot to me. I know you chose to forget me and thing
with us. I get it. I’ve been forgotten by a few people in my life, even family.
I tried to leave a mark in your life like you, just being around me during dark
times, had did for me. I truly just wanted to be in your life. I truly
did.
I am one
man who you truly can depend on and trust. Always, even if you don’t ever care
to see me, talk to me, or think of me ever again, I will always care and wish
you to always be happy, even if I am not even an acquaintance of yours during
those times, even until I’m old and gray. I mean that. I am sorry. I am so,
very sorry. Please forgive me.
Justin.
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